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So many MKs say to me, “Perhaps loneliness is my greatest enemy.” This is an indication, I believe that many MKs live lonely, isolated lives. They may feel empty and unfulfilled. Perhaps they are not in touch with any other MKs from their host country or any other mission country. Thus, they seem to have no one to affirm the feelings they are having which make them feel they are different from others.
Still, they are probably dealing with feelings of being different and having different values from their American counterparts. This gets in the way, often, of building strong solid relationships.
At the same time, they know that learning to love and relate to others is what life is all about. It is just as Dr. Randall Lolley said to a group of MKs at an MK retreat: “When all is said and done, the meaning of life boils down to three F’s...Faith, Family and Friends.”
When MKs leave their adopted country, their families and friends and return to the States for college, everything in their lives change. This creates a vacuum for many whose lives were once filled with faith, family and friends. Some have said, “In my adopted country I was ’somebody’, but here in the States I am suddenly a ’nobody’.’” With this thought comes a new sense of loneliness, perhaps even feeling lonely when surrounded by lots of other people.
When a person is really lonely, they often reel that no one in the whole wide world cares. They may begin to feel worthless. They may fear that they will never form warm, authentic relationships. They may fear involvement, and thus become afraid to take risks.
One young man shared this particular sense of isolation he felt when he returned to the States. He said, “I never felt good about anything. I went home from school every day, wondering if there was another person in the whole world like me. Finally, I decided that maybe the problem was within me, and I tried to talk with people and get to know them, and accept them. Even if they didn’t believe the way I did. I can truly say that I actually did find that when I reached out to some of my classmates, they reached out to me. Then I realized that there are some pretty neat American young people here.”
So, you see, MK’s don’t need to continue to feel helpless and isolated. The key to building strong, warm relationships is a willingness to be open and vulnerable. It is a willingness to share just how you feel. Each MK is unique and each has his/her own unique set of feelings.
In fact, one’s set of feelings is the only thing that makes them different from anyone else. So, one’s set of feelings is who they are. When two people begin o share their own feelings with one another, they will find themselves getting closer and closer, and have warm feelings for the other. This is the most important ingredient in forming relationships of all kinds.
Why are some MKs, as well as other people, reluctant to share their feelings? Why do some fold feel embarrassed when they cry or show their feelings? Why do they feel they must apologize for their feelings? Perhaps it is because they haven’t allowed themselves to simply BE HUMAN.
Hancock McCarthy, in an article, “Permission to Cry” from the book, Soup for the Soul, shares a heart warming story about a man whose wife had left him with two small children. They were divorced, and the man whose wife had full custody. He would try to put on a happy face for the children, filling their lives with activity.
One evening, exhausted after a day’s work an doing the nightly rituals with his children, he finally was able to close their bedroom doors, and tiptoe down the stairs, where he sat at the dining room table, slumped in his chair. Tired from doing wall the things that had to be done for the children. Then, his fatigue, has great sense of responsibility, the endless details of running the house caused a great sense of loneliness to rush over him. He said, “I felt as though I were at the bottom of a great sense of loneliness...unexpected , convulsive sobs overtook me. I sat there, silently sobbing.”
About that time he felt a pair of little arms around his waist and the sympathetic little face of his five-year old son peering up at him. The man said that he felt embarrassed and began apologizing to his son for his tears. He went on to say, “I don’t know why it is, but so many people apologize when they cry, and I was no exception.” He said to his son, “I’m sorry. I’m just a little sad tonight.” His little son replied, “It’s okay Daddy. It’s okay to cry...you a just a person.” In the wisdom of the son’s innocence he gave his father permission to cry.
Feelings free us to be human...to laugh, to cry, to be happy, to be sad, to express pain and pleasure, to love to be angry, to feel guilt and despair, to experience fear and relief.
Feelings direct us toward survival and living in groups. Feelings warn and are cautionary. Feeling tell us something is going on that need to be modified. Feelings free us to be human. The sharing of feelings bring us closer to others.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could stop neglecting our feelings and get a grasp on their importance in bringing about warm, caring relationships?
Why be lonely? Or should we say, Why do we allow ourselves to get struck in that trap of loneliness? Reach out and touch someone. No doubt, you will find others reaching out to you. Be willing to take some risks. Why be trapped in loneliness?
Dr. Walters serves with Missionary Family Counseling Services, Inc.
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